My worst screw up...
May 14 2001 at 5:13 AM

Response to The shittiest day of your life..

My life is nothing if not a string of some outrageous loser stories. I was such a walking disaster zone that at one point my father told me in all seriousness to "Please die as soon as you can!"

What's the biggest screw up you can do when you regularly work in emergency rooms? What can go wrong there? Nothing, right? If I told you, you wouldn't want to go to another hospital for the rest of your life! Sometimes I think it is the product of sheer luck that I never actually killed anyone. The most hair-raising mishap was when I punctured the lung of this old geezer when I was the only doctor in the ward and all I could do was stand there shitting myself as the man rapidly turned purple. Lucky for me, a quick thinking nurse saved my ass.

And then there are the minor screw-ups that happen with some awesome regularity. Like just last night I almost got caught with my Splatter Movie Girl in the doctor's cot. And that's my regular run-of-the-mill day.

The worst day of my life has got to be the night when my father took a swing at me with a bread knife, but that tells you more about what a beautiful relationship I have with my parents than how I live. More revealing of my life is what I consider the best day of my life. That was when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. I proposed to her then and there before the traffic light changed.

If that makes it sound like I have lived through storms and gails, you should remember that I am also a daredevil sailor. And the most memorable day of my sailing career is when this guy pinched the bolt that connects the mast to the maststep with two fingers, pulled it out, and said "Hey, this bolt's broke!" when the boat was heeled over sideways in the gale and the mast was arched like a bow. Nobody panicked because we were all piss drunk. I'm still here.

The incident that sticks to my ming, though, is somewhat mundane by comparison. I was working at this gas station because I hated tutoring (which made more money). It was a big mistake because it turned out that I had no talent for redneck jobs. The gas station I worked for must have been standing there since before the town limits reached it. It had all the flavor of a gas station in the middle of nowhere. The not only sold gas and diesel fuel, but kerosene, propane and did some plumbing work. The owner was also a member of the volunteer fire department which had the reputation of never reaching a fire before it had been turned out by the real firemen.
And I was working too hard too. I did have a tutoring job during the night time where all I really did was try not to fall asleep or try to get the highschool girl to sleep with me. I wasn't eating right either. I averaged about nine meals a week. I was working because I had just been recycled at school and I didn't want to answer the phone. That is very bad motivation for over work. Never deal with a strange job for the first time when your hidden motivation is a death wish. Never deal in volatile fuels when you are deliverately hurting yourself to the point that you completely lose all concentration. The two other guys who worked there were streetwise bosozoku and I owe my life to them multiple times. Still, by the end of the month, I had damaged some expensive plumbing pipe, spilled two hundred liters of kerosene into the irrigation ditch, crashed two customers' cars and, the beauty to top it off, I ran another customer's car through the car wash the wrong way and turned it into shredded tinfoil.

I can't believe I actually got paid at the end of the month. the way I spent the money is another wild story but I will post that another time.


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