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August 21 2000 at 5:13 PM
Kawama 


Response to My two cents

Here's a link to Masa's place: http://www.baywell.ne.jp/users/rokkoh/lariadakobe/introduction.htm

Here's a strategy that is guaranteed to have her in your arms in the next twelve hours -- While she's at work, scour Shinjuku for a wine shop and bring back a couple of bottles, may I suggest a nice California White Zinfandel and perhaps a Jocat or genuine Italian Muscato. Both would be better. Order out for some sushi and have all this stuff waiting for her when she gets home. White zin and sushi go rather well, IMO. They're all nice dessert wines, and go down smoothly. Once you're both lit up, take a long look at her in such a way that she notices, and kind of playfully say 'omae no koto kini'tta' and don't wipe the smirk off your face. If she doesn't get swepy away by the mood and your charm, then she's probably a lesbian.

The only other thing that jumped out at my re-reading your latest update was my feeling that you need to clearly and decisively decide what you want from this girl. I know I ramble when I write, but earlier on I tried to warn you about the potential dangers of remaining friends with someone you "confessed" your attraction to. The result can appear to work for some time, but the sexual tension can be very distracting and, if it's anything like what I or others I know have experienced, the kimagure factor can take over in the girl's mind months or even years later.

I hate to brerate you; you're adult enough, but I can't help but feel some desire to help you and prevent you from making the same sort of mistakes that I've made. I'm not that much older than you (28), so it's not like I'm giving you an "in my day..." lecture. Just take it how I intend it -- as genuine help.

Sit down and think carefully what you want from this girl. Dispell this conflict in your head about worrying her, distressing her, upsetting her, etc. It's tortue, and won't do you a bit of good. You've really got two choices. You seem to be set on following through, but I think it's a very serious error to postpone resolution of this.

Do you want to keep her as a confidant and friend? Sounds like she's serving that purpose already rather well. If you're confortable with that, end thoughts of a romance, because good female friends are a rarity, for a man. I'm not shitting you, I wish "Mami" the girl I wrote about in previous posts, was still my friend. (My wife forbade it, for good and understandable reasons).

If, on the other hand, you think the two of you make a good couple and want to pursue a romance, you have to end these silly thoughts of being "friends". It's a fallacy, in general, and rarely works out. It depends on how you keep your cool, regardless of what she says. But in general, that sort of thing puts the brakes on a friendship. Accept it.

The week or so that remains in your stay could really be special time for you two together, if you can come clean now or very soon. Copping out and saying you "love" her shortly before you go is a foolish idea.

Anyway, friend, we're really rooting for you. It's surely easier to say than do, but take comfort in the fact that I have said and I have done...I've been in a variety of relationships in Japan and with Japanese, from skirt chases that panned out, some that didn't, from being picked up in clubs to meeting and dallying with a couple former penpals, to dating some girls at college that went from casual girlfriends to good friends to nutcases, and in the case of my wife, from a genuine distant friend to someone I could not live without. I suspect I might not have quite the number of conquests of Kris (the sysop of this board), but I'm comfortable in my experience and know that, while every situation is unique, a lot of us have "been there" before and so you might consider outside counsel.

On an unrelated note: avoid JET, it's totally gay unless you ask for an administrative position. Being a "teacher" can be good, but it's usually bad. Admin people improve their language skills ten times better than classroom 'dancing gaijin' types, and the skills translate into job opportunities beyond the shit eikawa job ghetto. FYI, I never did JET, but know MANY people who have.

Now that you have a PC and your girl is at work, let us know what's going on. Try the wine & sushi strategy ASAP, you'll be thanking me, I guarantee it.
 
   
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