Battle Report: May Revisited
June 1 2001 at 6:24 AM

Ummm...basically I just couldn't get this finished like I said. Truth is, nothing much happened the last time I visited May, I just realised that she'd changed a bit, and was not as attractive to me as before..
so there's no 'wrap-up' to this essay, there's nothing in fact, it doesn't go anywhere. And you may be thinking afterwards 'what the hell was that all about?', but just think of it as a kind of poetic script or something..i dunno, basically i just didn't want to spend anymore time with this, as the YD novel is taking up more of my time these's nothing really compared to the essays Oscs been writing recently.

enjoy it
Battle Report: May Revisited

One day I was sitting on a bench in Sapporo on a skin-blisteringly hot day, the smell of freshly-mowed grass in the air, and the whole park full of young people like myself. There wasn’t a care in the world for any one of them. I was in paradise. But I had no-one to share it with. I went back to my apartment. Alone. Like being back in that prison-cell flat in England, illuminated only by the dim television that I left on all night because I didn’t want to face my own thoughts, though I’d eventually succumb to sleep, despite rolling around and around in turmoil and discomfort. Desperate dreams would haunt me. Either that or I’d have dreams that echoed sweet violin-orchestra romance, yet only to wake to find I was hideously alone.

Paradise was still just a vision and not a feeling, unless there was a loved one to share it in.

It’s easy to cry when you watch your dreams so far in the distance, slipping away from you. When you watch people slipping away from you.

So many friends come and go throughout your life, yet I always hoped May would be one of the ones that would last to the very end. Saying I was rejoiceful to see her again would’ve been an understatement. I hugged her tightly amidst a crowded London street in Oxford Circus.
She suggested we go grab a cup of coffee so we eventually ended up sitting opposite each-other in a basement Costa bar. I finally had a chanced to cast my eyes over her properly.
May looked twice as old as the last time I’d seen her. Not only that but she now looked infinitely more Chinese than before. She certainly didn’t look like she made much of an effort to keep herself beautiful, as she had done before. Gone was the ‘cute’, slightly gyaru-ish fashions she took to and the glitter make-up, and replacing them were the plain, conservative clothes, standard mascara and flesh-hue lipstick of a typical Chinese woman. There wasn’t a trace of dye in her hair, and only a faint scent of perfume lingered around her . Nevertheless this was May, someone I felt close to, someone who knew me well. I hugged her again. She was so thin.
“How did you know about my mothers death?” she said inquisitively once she’d settled into the chair.
My ‘source’ was some J-girl I’d been having a fling with in London who’d coincidentally happened to go to the same University as May, and like I’ve mentioned before, May was a foxy babe, maybe the foxiest Asian bird at that University, and as a result she didn’t go unnoticed, and became the centre of many a gossip circle of jealous Asian chicks there. I wondered if May knew there were so many eyes on her. Prying eyes.
“Don’t ask me that” I said.
May looked at a cheap painting on the wall in disinterest. She wasn’t going to beg.
Even though I could’ve done so before, I didn’t bother to attempt contact with May until I’d heard about her family misfortune. I knew that she’d need me after that, so I’d e-mailed May, and as predicted, she’d phoned one evening not to say sorry for the shit she’d put me through previously, but just to ask me to come and see her, to comfort her.
For a minute I gazed at Mays beautiful profile, before she turned back towards me, her eyes now lingering not on the painting, but on her dark reflection from inside the coffee cup. She began talking again.
“My mothers death affected me a lot. Can you notice a change in me?. Kris my future is so uncertain these days. When my mother died she said to me ‘May, I worried about you. I so worried. What are you going to do with your life?..When is your play-time is finished?’”
I nodded sympathetically.
“They were all just…staring at me Kris. They were all thinking the same thing. May is useless. That I’m just wasting my time and my life. They are all working hard! Everyday!..I’m just the only one who has done nothing with my life. My family have no money’s all gone..all the inheritence..just used up to educate us all.”
This was what I had feared would one day happen. I knew that for May the bubble would’ve had to have burst one day. When I first met her she was a bright and carefree angel. She hadn’t spent nights lying on her bed in the dark like I had, philosophising, thinking about her own providence, making plans, making alternate plans, making sub-plans for the alternate plans. For the future.
May is, or used to be, a pretty unsubstancial creature of the night who lived only to spend other peoples money on unsubstancial things. In return for her parents money she had studied hard, but unfortunately her world was firmly in those books. Believing that study was a suitable enough excuse for not facing the real world, she managed to acquire only dire social skills. Maybe she thought in one of those books she could find a chapter that would teach her how to relate to people in the real world, I don’t know. She didn’t care, and maybe that was the reason why I fell in love with her in the first place. She may have been a fiery character, but inside she was like many tough women, insecure and hurt. I just wanted to protect her, to build her a wall.
“I’m so scared Kris. I just feel like, you know, if some company employs me, they must be crazy or something. I can’t do anything. My father thinks I am shit.”
Like many beautiful little girls, she was favourited and adulated as a kid. Her parents had used the money they had to get her the best education they could. In plutocratic China, education is highly valued commodity. So she’d been secluded from cold, unforgiving society and packed off to nice schools. She could speak fluent Japanese but she’d never had a real job and all she knew was study. I loved her innocence in that way, her one-mindedness towards a task at hand, not caring for the future, just doing what she thought would make her happy, and really believing that it wouldn’t all fall to shit in the end like it does in everybody elses life, simply because her professors had told her it wouldn't. I loved that blind faith aspect about her, and all I ever wanted to do was protect her from that harsh world outside of her Students Union and the nightclubs she seemed to exist in. If I’d had a million pounds I would’ve just given it to her simply so that she’d never have to go through what she was going through now, to keep that angel safe from what would do her harm. It was traumatising to see May in such angst.
We decided we were going to get drunk together like old times, so after visiting the local supermarket and getting a bottle of cheap wine we began to head back to her place. Like some weird coincidence, rain started to trickle and she pulled out an umbrella, which forced to get physically closer as I ducked under it.
I told her about a dream I’d had the night before:
“It was almost a nightmare at first, May. You were the enemy, a kind of vampire princess..”
She started to smile. Someone once told me that describing a woman as a vampire was one of the best comments you can give to a girl.
“..And I was a prince.. Just a knight that you’d managed to capture, from the army sent to destroy you. You were going to suck my blood, but somehow I managed to talk you out of it, and instead we became lovers. During the next few weeks trapped in your castle I got to know you intimately. Now, the army were trying to break into your castle, and you had no defences left. They were at your door. Despite your cruel heart, I loved you, as I was the only one that really knew you. They all wanted to kill you. Everybody. I was the only one who understood you, and I wanted to protect you, to make those people behind the door see that you were simply misunderstood, and that your soul was beautiful. I screamed at them to stop as I watched their axes splintering the door. But they broke through and I sacrificed myself for you. There was nothing I could do, you know? There was just never enough time. “
She paused for a while.
“It was kind of a passionate dream, yeah? Like maybe your mind is telling you how much you care about me?” she said.
“I suppose so”.
She didn’t say anything for the next five minutes.
“I just hope I can make some man understand me like that when I meet one I really like. Right now I have no security in myself at all though. I cannot have any man. I don’t want it.”
“You know Kris, it’s kind of true that you are the only one that really understands me. I try to make new friends here in England, but still, after two years I never really found anyone that understands me like you do.” she said eventually.
“Well, I guess I’m just like a Kermit to your Miss.Piggy after all.”
“Your what? What are you talking about?” she said confused.
“Haven’t you ever seen Sesame Street? Kermit the Frog and Miss.Piggy are two puppets on a kids TV program that are always arguing but they actually kind of love each-other. “
She thought about that for a second.
”So, Kermit is a frog. And Miss.Piggy..she is..a pig?”
“So you are calling me..a pig?”
“Ummm..No…I was just making a comparison between us and the characters from that show.”
“But you just said I am like a pig.”
“Oh come on..”
”I feel kind of sad now.”
I thought she was serious, but then I noticed she a cheeky smile gradually appear on her face. I gave her a quick peck on the cheek:
“You’d make a cute little piggy.”
“I know. I’m always cute.” She said, chuckling. There it fucking was for a second. A second later her face was hardened again.

We started joking about what we’d be like as a married couple. It was true that in some ways May would make an ideal wife for me as she pretty much knew me inside and out, and like me she often enjoyed her own company more than that of others, so she would definitely not be the kind of over-clingy partner I wasn’t looking for. And then there were the nights when we’d be all alone, me and my little China girl. She said that if I was a millionaire she’d marry me. So that was that then, all I needed was a million bucks. Give me ten years, I said. Suddenly in my mind a very real image of May as my wife appeared and I felt a shock of anxiety run through my body. I quietly whispered “Shit” under my breath and closed my eyes for a second as we kept walking on through the rain .

When I was in America I met a Japanese guy. I say met but in actual fact we were rooming together in San Jose, but I was leaving a day or two later, so you could say our encountering upn each other was a pretty brief exposure. He must’ve been the most calmly collected guy I’ve ever met. He never smiled or a frowned. This guy was a modern day samurai. Even if something hilarious came on the television, I’d be chuckling away, but Junpei would simply sit cross-legged In front of the television emotionless and noble. If the program was really funny he might raise the side of his mouth into what resembled a smirk – but that was as good as it got. Like a programmed response.
I was feeling in an analytical mood that night, so instead of simply minding my own business and letting him sleep after we’d turned off the television, I began to question him as to why he acted the way he did.

“Junpei. Doesn’t anything ever interest you?”

He looked up from behind the magazine he was reading, through a pair of expensive silver-rimmed spectacles that I knew he must’ve chosen more for sex-appeal than for practical purposes.

“What do you mean Kris?”

“Well…doesn’t lack of knowledge scare you?”

Now he looked truly confused. Looking at his face in the glow of the reading light, I imagined he must broken a few hearts with those expressive and handsome brown-eyes of his.
“What I mean is..I see you, I watch you, and you’re obviously a very cool guy. Very cool. I’m sure a lot of women like that. But you just sit there, all the time. You don’t say anything. You just seem to be concentrating on nothing. Do you want to be a farmer? Come on man, forget that you are Japanese for a minute. “

He didn’t say anything but continued to stare at me quizzically. He probably was just looking to get back into his book. I guess in any normal situation I would’ve shut up by now. The fact was though, here was a prime knowledge-gaining object for a social experiment. I was leaving in a couple of days, and I’d never see Junpei again. I could say whatever I wanted to him. I wasn’t afraid of him, and I knew that the fact that we were living together in the same room, both screwed financially, and if I wanted to be a pain in the ass, he’d just have to live with it. So I continued.

“What I want to know is. Don’t you forcibly try to act cool, or is it just your personality?..Speaking for myself, I try to learn everything I can about new people who come into my life as soon as I can. That means I ask a lot of questions, yes. Some people might regard that as an irritating quality, but at the end of the day, I hold the cards, you know what I mean? By applying a variety of arbitrary questions, I find it pretty damn easy to derive an accurate personal profile of the people I come across.
Haven’t you ever read Socrates ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’?..What are you doing man? know fuck all about me..I could have the contacts that get you the dream job you’ve always wanted. I might have a sister who’s into Japanese guys, and who’s also single and a model. I might come from a rich family, and just offer to pay your tuition fee’s because you were a nice, friendly guy. But no.
“It’s just…me, Kris. It’s just me. Not everybody thinks the way you do.”

“Junpei man, you have to ask questions. Because people have levels, they have depths and you can never know that unless you know as much about them as they’re prepared to give you. “

and that was all i could be buggered to do
dont even ask me where the junpei guy came from..fuck knows i just got side-tracked..



  • Man... - Nayuta on Jun 1, 2001, 1:26 PM
  • Wonderful :) - hadiya on Jun 2, 2001, 9:01 AM
  • Nice One - James_D on Jun 2, 2001, 12:12 PM

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