No Kris, you misunderstand...
August 26 2000 at 8:00 AM
 


Response to ........?????

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. But I would not have a problem with sleeping with another woman if the circumstances were right. To put another way, there is a reason why something called the "Seven Year Itch" exists...and my guess is it's genetic. But I digress.

How can I be angry with my wife for almost falling into a trap that I was largely responsible for setting? She's a woman, and has needs, sexual and emotional. If I was gone half the time what the hell I supposed to expect of a nubile, 23 year old newlywed wife?

Women need love and attention. Early in my career, I was corporate cannon fodder, and was sent to hell and gone on shit consulting gigs for sometimes two or three weeks...gigs the veterans didn't want. I didn't plan on this when we got engaged, or even when we actually married...the first month or two was absolute heaven...but work "happened" just like "shit happens", and I needed to do it to put food on thet table. My new wife began to feel lonely and sort of began to question why she even moved to the states. It's human nature, I don't blame her a bit. Women are filled with childish, romantic dreams. When they come true, they're happy despite all the other shit in their life. When those dreams aren't even acknowledged, they do some strange things, including "almost" sleeping with best friends, etc. There's a bit more too the story than I said, but essentially it unfolded as I explained and nothing I said was untrue. My wife didn't really want to bang my friend, she wanted to alert me to her sadness...just as "Rumi" really didn't want to marry James_D, but wanted her husband to care for her like he used to.

Anyhow, if she is to believed, they never actually screwed, but came close...twice. My friend said the same thing to me. Independent corroboration goes a long way, but the truth is it doesn't matter. Our relationship since then has gotten much better, mostly because I changed jobs and she got one. It's hard to be an immigrant and a newlywed at the same time. I sympathize with her a great deal. Being married and loving your wife means a lot more than protecting her like a rottweiler protecting a slab of meat...it means empathizing and really understanding (even belatedly) what the other was feeling. This takes a lot of patience and devotion, but I can honestly say I understand how she felt, even if I didn't at the time. I'm also enough of a man to realize things happened the way they did because of my lack of oversight and as a direct result of decisions I made.

For example, imagine if you spoke very childish Japanese, weren't the romantic machine you are today, and married a Japanese woman who wasn't home most of the time for half a year. You'd start getting lonely. Now imagine your wife's cute friend is always dropping by, at your wife's request. Showing you around, playing sega with you. Now imagine this girl is emotional fragile, in love with someone thousands of miles away but who might not be being faithful. Now imagine she is actually a teeny bit attracted to you...and you to her. Don't even pretend married men lose eyes for other girls after they wed...that's a total fucking farce if ever there was one. It doesn't take much to get two people in that situation between the sheets. It actually takes quite a lot to keep them apart...and this is the main reason I don't worry about my wife. We have a great relationship, and get along so well that if she honestly and sincerely said she wanted something I didn't want to or couldn't give her, my honest reply would be for her to follow her heart.

Mind you, in my case, my friend was very...erm...unusual...an unemployed Yale graduate living at home after he graduated, with his rich neurosurgeon father...I had known this guy since the 7th grade, and he and I actually visited Japan together for the first time in 91. Good looking, funny guy. Perverted and horny as they come. Had a young girl back at Yale he was waiting for...in vain, as it turned out...but he was emotionally vulnerable when word leaked out that she was sleeping around. I should have seen it coming. He honestly didn't want to hurt me, and my wife wasn't looking to cheat. But men and women who are emotionally vulnerable do things...silly things they regret. But to this day she insists all they did was smooch a little bit and get mostly naked in his room.

I realize it might be tough for some guys to accept...I'm nothing special, but it doesn't insult or hurt my manhood to imagine that. I don'y hold any grudges and think the whole affair was saddest for my friend. My wife's tried to blot it out and forget about it.

Anyway, sorry to alarm you...but each relationship is different. I can feel pretty confident it was not unique to her or I, or my friend (who coincidentally, isn't my friend anymore). We're not into swinging or wife swapping, if that's what you're thinking, but I cannot in good conscience become angry with her for soemthing I'd probably do under reverse circumstances. We don't have any plans to do anything like that in the future...in fact, I'm pretty sure she's ashamed enough at her own "weakness" that she'll never try anything like that again. But if it happens, it happens...it's a huge mistake to think love can "control" another person. Using love as a weapon of control or coertion is futile and childish.

Kawama, no longer one of the "good guys" apparently.
 
   

  
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