May 9 2002 at 3:23 AM
Lady Killer 

Friends gather around for a tale concerning an unsuccesful exploit by yours truly. It began when i met (lets call her..) Sumiko. She was on an exchange program at my university in Austin. When she was in highschool a friend of mine Kim's family hoter for a year in America. Now she had returned. My friend Kim knowing that i was an AAA thought it would be nice to introduce us. On one condition...i didn't dick her over or fuck it up in any way. What? Me? Surely you must be thinking of someone other than the Lady Killer to do any such thing. Well, truth of the matter is, i had dicked over Kim about a year back and only after months of delicate word surgery, had she finally recovered. But thats another story. Anyhow we were back on the friendship tip and i told her i was interested in her continent hopping friend. So one night at a party she introduced and i was speechless. My tongue literally rolled out of my mouth onto the beer soaked foor like a red carpet welcoming her footsteps. Oh yes.. my cherry blossom has arrived in full splendor. In the following hours i layed on my charm thicker than honey. I tought her the oh so ramantic ways of the American partier. I have to admit i was pretty smooth. I introduced her to some of buds, even got her up on the turntables and showed her how to DJ. We were like sushi and seaweed. Later that night i stumbled her to her apartment and made plans to see her again. We hung out through most of the following week. She said she was going to be busy that weekend (i can't remember what she was doing do to alchohol induced lack of coherence when she told me). Cool no sweat. The Lady Killer would head up to Houston reign terror on the unsuspecting female locals there. Houston was a bust. The enterage we were hooking up with was led by my buddies girlfriend who proceded to kick his nuts in on day 2 of the trip, for some reason or another. So we got his nuts iced down and returned to Austin. O.K. its Saturday night boys and girls. Hmm..what to do? How bout I go see how our young spicy tuna roll is doing. I had been drinking all day on the ride back and I was a little toasty, but thought "fuck it" this is an excellent idea. The Lady Killer is master of the situation be it drunk or sober. So i roll on up to her place and i notice she's home. Im standing outside her patio fence when i remember she said she was busy....hmmmmm. So i step up on the fence and peek over into her sliding glass door. She's not alone..hmmm..shes with another guy. Fucking sneaky bitch. So i sit there for a second cursing myself like a schizophrenic with teretts syndrome when i decide maybe i should spy on them for a second. please remember i'm three sheets to the wind. So i pull myself over the fence and notice her coming to her sliding glass door. O.K. I'll show her whose fun and games. I hauled ass around the corner, duck and hide. A few seconds later i hear the "cachink" of her patio gate. She then rounds the corner. When she walks by me unsuspecting I jump out behind yelling "HYEEAAAA!". I thought this was pretty fucking funny..for a second. Next thing i know a hand grabs my shirt collar, throughs me up against the fence and delivers a nice solid gut punch. Now normally I woulda dropped the offender like a wet pair of panties on prom night, but...surprise surprise surprise..its her dad! She stops him and me from waylaying each other, gives me a dirty look and they both walk back into her place. Needless to say, she never talked to me again. And my friend Kim bitched me out for spying on her friend..yea fucking right...blah blah blah. Although Lady Killer is a secret agent in the battle to bed the opposite sex, he is not a spy. MISSION STATUS: Failure

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