I'm losing my grip.
May 8 2001 at 4:14 AM

I will warn you this post probably has nothing to do with the YDs...I'm just under alot of stress, most put on my by my parents. Therefore, this post is basically for the benifit of me letting some steam out.

While cutting up another tasty Omaha steak, I wondered aloud how I felt we should send my homestay family a small package of steaks; I'm sure they hadn't tasted anything quite this good. "Well I suggest you then find yourself a job." My evil troll-like mother sneered, "I'm sick of you trying to demand I fork over money to a lazy daughter like you. Why don't you do something for me for a change?" I shot a dirty look back at my mother. Not another one of these fights, I thought to myself. For many years, I have been the family punching bag; Whenever something goes wrong, they turn to me to hurl their anger upon. My father only nodded his head and agreed to my mothers statement. "While it's a noble idea, Tara, I can't help but agree with your mother. You were the one who stayed at their house, weren't you?"

"Well, yes dad, but you did mention the idea to me awhile back. You said you wanted to send them some steaks to them as a kind gesture." I replied hesitantly. He had promised to send the two girls who had stayed with us for two weeks a package of Omaha steaks for their family, yet he never fufilled that promise. Why should he fufill this one?

After my last comment, my father began to ramble on about how they probably wouldn't get by customs, and tried to ask my mother her opinion of the matter but she obviously wasn't interested. He also said I should get a job, and I told him I needed his help getting a car and learning how to drive.

"You know my allergies are getting bad. You do know that you could help out around this house and help keep this place doghair-free? Also, if you'd keep that room of yours clean, Tara, that would help tremendously. All that air gets filtered through the AC, and the dust bothers me." She raised her voice over my father. Oh god. Not again for the billionth time. Once again, they would bring up the one thing they know I'm incapable of completing to their satisfaction. I'm in no way a troublemaker. I'm a cleannosed girl who, for the most part, is very obediant and reliable; A decent, yet average student (yes a bit lazy); and an overall decent person. One of the few things they could beat apon me is this.

"Yeah. You could, Tara. In all these 3 years, your room has never once been cleaned to my liking. It's the only thing I've ever asked for you to do, ever, which you can't seem to do. And here you are demanding that I find you a decent car, have it repaired, and take time out of my day to teach you how to drive it. How utterly rude and pompous of you. You seem to think It's my sworn duty to treat you like a pampered princess. I won't have it." He retorted back. My mother's anger seemed to be rubbing off on him. Usually he was a very carefree, spirited person, but now all the bitterness and ugliness found deep within my mother was beginning to submerge. I knew after this, the whole 'arguement' was pretty much pointless, and I would get nowhere, so I sat and closed my eyes trying to act as though I was taking in every word he said, but in actuality I was trying to focus my mind on something more pleasant. When he finally stopped speaking, I tried to voice my opinions, but he interrupted each time.

"I have a challenge for you, mother." I defiantly rose my voice, "I dare you to say one positive thing about me. Say one thing you admire in me. Say one thing you can say makes you proud of me." I looked up at her, at the verge of crying. I knew this was impossible for her to do. (From the very moment she walked in the door, she demanded I let the dogs out. I did it without any hesistation, and lied to her about recently letting them out earlier. In all honestly, I had only let the one dog out when I took her for a walk. Why hadn't Joe been responsible for their wellbeing as well? Oh wait, I forgot. He's only 13, and he's the baby of the family. Nothing is ever expected from him, and probably nothing ever will be. She left for groceries by the time I came back in, and the time she returned she hollared for me to come downstairs, and in a rude and demanding tone insisted I put away the groceries. Once again, I did, and after I done she started her usual round of harassment. "I saw you cooked yourself up some hashbrowns for a snack, Tara. Don't you know those are bad for you and full of carbohydrates? Here you are overweight, and I take time out of my day to take you to the nutrionalist, and you don't even heed a word she says, do you? You'll never lose any weight that way if you're always snacking on foods like that." she added in. I wanted so much as to slap her hard across the face. Instead of adding words of encouragement, or actually offering to diet with me as a daughter/mother bonding, she sat here and offended me in my face. She wasn't there when I talked to her, and had no idea what she said. I had taken many of her suggestions and actually done as she said, but there was little else to eat in the house, and I felt hungry. She is not a skinny Cindy Crawford either.) She glared at me and snapped back telling me how dare I say something like that to her. This was NOT what the argument was about, and she wasn't obligated to say anything positive towards me, especially when she was disatisfied with who I am. In her eyes, I'm only a lazy slob who holds foolish and unaccomplishable dreams. (My eyes are welling up as I type that.) She told me if I hadn't gotten my room cleaned to her liking by the time I turned 19, she would kick me out of the house and I'd be on my own. My father also chimed in that either that could be done, or he could charge me monthly rent and hire a maid to clean up after me since I was so lazy.

At this point they yelled back and forth at me voicing their opinions on how lazy I was. My mother chimed in that when she was my age, she had to cook and clean for her mother every day without her asking to do so...It was EXPECTED of her. What I did was little next to nothing. The few times I tidied up the house when she asked me to, or the time I thourgly cleaned out the refrigerator, or cooked the family dinner when she was sick didn't impress her. No, that wasn't enough. I was to do things like this on a daily basis. 'I've been handed cooked dinners for 18 years straight, and now I am old enough to be cooking them dinner.'

And finally the one sentance that made me snap:
"If only you loved us, you'd feel obligated to pitch in and do daily chores for us to show you appreciate and care for us."

After hearing that sentance leave my father's lips, the welled up anger took it's toll; Trying desperatly to well up my tears until I could escape upstairs and cry it off, my body begun to shake alover in utter shock as tears strewn down my face.

"If only...
A harsh way of expressing one's feelings; A way of showing they thought it was I who needed to change. I was the one to blame for all their anger. As if I were some sort of mechanical maid with no feelings or emotions whatsoever, and had to prove my 'worth' to them as a daughter of theirs. As if god had actually blessed me by placing me in this godaweful family. I'm well cared for than some children, but there is by far the lack of love and encouragement a parent should have for their child; not making them feel like their entire existance is a burden in their life. That's all I want more of them; to be a supportive backbone which encourages me to strive towards completing my goals and teaches me how to become a better person. Not one who daily chastisizes my behavior and makes me feel like I'm some sort of delinguant, or some silly person who has their head up so high in the sky they can't touch the ground with their own two feet.

"Oh stop sniveling like a little baby!", My father retorted, "You're already 18, yet you're acting like this?"

"You wouldn't understand, dad. I'm sorry." I said.

"What is there to understand? Do you actually expect me to listen to you bicker and moan to me about how much you hate my wife?? No. You will not try to break this family, nor will you try to interfere with the relationship between the two of us. You're not to discuss your mother with me." He said angerly.

And with that I ran up to my room and began to type this longwinded story about something I'm sure no one gives a rat's ass about. My only hope is that I move far, far, far away from them as soon as I'm able, and hope they'll just leave me be. I will admit that they aren't the cause of my stress a hundred percent, but I can only think about how much easier my life would be if only I had been born to a more loving and supporting family. Maybe, perhaps, one that cared.

Thank you for listening to me bitch once again. If anything, please do give the thought of having children serious thought. I can't help but feel like my parents rushed too soon into having me, or that somehow after they did, I hadn't lived up to what they expected their daughter to be....God only knows what that is.

Also, I'm only frightened to think of what dirty trick my parents will pull when it comes to college. I have a feeling my father will set me up thinking he'll help me pay for college, and as soon as I get my foot in the door he'll pull his support out from underneath me and try to tell me I'm not deserving of it. I guess now more than ever, I need to start looking for ways to go about paying for college on my own, and formulate a plan just in case they actually do decide to kick me out. I don't care what they say. I WILL go to college, and I WILL try my hardest to fufill my dreams. I guess what they don't understand is the harder they try to crush my spirit, the more it fuels me to overlook what they've said and fufill my life the way I want to. I am DYING for the day I can call back to my father and BRAG to him about how I landed a job doing what I love most. I want more than anything to prove them all wrong about me. I'm not as incapable and as useless as they might think.

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